To 2013.
I don’t know what to do.
What do I do with the fact that we were looking at the same sky on New Year's Eve and he’s just a few kilometers away from my home? He said it himself, he was near my home. What do I do with the fact that he knows where I live? What do I do with the fact that we met on December 30th to debrief one entire year because apparently, the last time we talked was by the end of last year? What do I do with the info about his cats’ names, his past as a swimming athlete when he was a kid, and the story of when he got kicked out for 4 months because his parents found out he was drunk when he was 16? I can’t even remember what his face looked like even after hours and hours of talking because I was too nervous to look at him. I only remember that he lit his individually-packed cigarette with wooden matches, like my ex. Talking to him feels like talking to my ex, too, but a bit healthier because he’s winning the battle against clinical depression. When I checked the romantic compatibility of his signs and mine on the pattern, it showed “extraordinary”, a level right below soulmate. What are the chances? Is this rare, or are you this compatible with everyone? What the fuck am I supposed to do with that? Is this going to be a life-changing friendship or is there a tiny chance that he’d find me attractive? He liked my selfie once, so there’s that. What do I do with the fact that we met a few days ago because I wanted to rant about some guy who said I would make the perfect girlfriend if I’m not a raging feminist? He’s curious about the story and asked me to grab a couple of drinks. Later on he basically just sits there calmly to say that the guy’s strange and that I’m on the right track. The first time we met you said you like it if I show my feminist side. What am I supposed to do with that? What was that supposed to mean? He’s the only person I could talk to in person about things I wrote on Substack, things I thought no one would be interested in when talking face to face, but there he was listening sympathetically and coming up with a follow-up question “What else do you feel besides that?” I was too scared to look at him when I said “idk, being hopeful feels scary and foreign, like something I don’t know how to do and I’m not supposed to do.” I catch a glimpse of him spiraling with a mumbled voice about being destined for glory. His face changes, he looks worried and impatient. That was the first time. Where am I supposed to store that? I always joked about having a heart so big it fits all genders, yet I don’t even have enough room for all this. 11 years of bits and pieces. Now my mind is racing and that’s why I write with no line breaks because no, I can’t catch a break, I can’t make room for emotional distance like I always claimed I’m good at. This is also what talking to you feels like. Packed, quick, I understand if it takes you 2 weeks to respond because replying means sitting down and taking 5 minutes of your time. Yet in the fullness, I found a safe space I haven’t been able to find in a very, very long time. Talking to him feels like he wants to know every single thing that crossed my mind and when I told him involuntarily, he made me feel like I’m interesting. I hope you don’t find it taxing. Today I finally told him that I’m proud of him. I thank him for making me a witness of his progress and how he found his zest of life again. I said I wanted to be a better friend and a better stranger because I kept seeing books with titles like “The Crisis of Care” or “Radical Intimacy.” This made him show me the street vendor he befriended on his morning walk that day. Now that I think about it I keep talking about the same things to him. I hope this year I have new things to tell him. Our hands brushed when he asked me to play my songs, IN HIS CAR, ON OUR WAY TO MY HOME. HE’S DRIVING ME HOME! And he told me that he’s recording songs! This afternoon he said he wants to show me the demo. I’m overwhelmed, I’m tired, what was all of this for? Falling all over again with the guy I had a crush on in high school and made me the way I am today. I’m frustrated that this much feelings has nowhere to go. I’m angry that this level of compatibility still doesn’t stand a chance. I hope at least he likes the poetry book I got him.
You must be shocked, well that makes the two of us.
From 2025.
