Dear psychologist, or whoever it is in charge of the terms, I would like to pitch a term called “eldest sister fatigue.” I’m sure it’s nothing new, you probably have seen countless cases of it, I hope you already have a prescription for this plague too.
It manifests itself into a lot of things, from frustration whenever I have to help other people make decisions, to the feeling of unfairness when I see someone give up. If I have to figure everything out alone and solve every problem in the household by myself, how come other people could have it the easy way? It’s envy, it’s toxic productivity, it’s the feeling of impending doom like everything will be in shambles if I don’t function.
It’s not fair and it never was. I have to be the one putting immense efforts or no one else will. I have to hug my mom, figure out what to do, and tell her everything is okay because no one else will. It’s learning to love my family by force and out of habit because I’m the one in charge, and if I don’t do it, no one will. It’s feeling like everyone’s happiness is my responsibility, even seeing an old man eating alone at a restaurant feels like it’s my fault that he’s lonely. It’s God complex, in a way that other people’s misery and problems are mine to solve, as if I *am* a God and I can solve everything, I just don’t try hard enough.
It’s wanting to be taken care of, but finding the thought of dependency repulsive because it feels undermining. Like a test, as if I’m being seen incompetent and weak while all my life I’ve been the strongest one by force. It’s toxic ego that sprouts out of survival instinct, that I have to be selfish or no one else would ever think to cater my needs. Who takes care of me? I do.
It’s the urge to throw a tantrum whenever facing a debate and I have to give up what I want in order for a problem to be solved. It’s the loneliness of going through tough times alone, fixing bugs in my head alone, learning how to figure everything out alone, because if I don’t do it then who will? If I don’t work this out, who will?
It’s living without the luxury of having the audacity. Having no choice but to smile and act politely so that my family won’t notice that my brother is sulking and wanting to go home out of boredom. It’s sucking in, always sucking in. It’s permanent waist-trainer to keep the perfect hourglass figure. It’s wanting to share the burden but it’s not fair for other people.
Since when is it fair to put everything on me?
It’s an endless cycle of losing myself for other people. It’s finding out what to do immediately so that I don’t have to ask for help. It’s having no option of asking for help, or not strong enough to be vulnerable and trust other people to let them help you.
Always an angel, never a God.
Always supporter, never supported.
Always “I can do it”, never “you don’t have to do it.”
Always figuring out, never figured out.
Always in charge, never sitting back.
Always listening, never understood.
Always an angel, never a God.
Always an angel, never a God.
Always an angel, never a God.
Always an angel, never a God.
Always an angel, never a God.
Always an angel, never a God.
I’m not strong enough for this.
Lyrics are from Boygenius, Not Strong Enough (The Record, 2023)
