A debrief on relationship culture and relationship competence.
When my friends are talking about relationships or asking for advice, I give them ones that came from what I learned in my past relationships, some of it being relationship competence and cultivating a relationship culture.
In the era of situationships and talking stages, a relationship feels daunting. It’s pressuring, it’s demanding, it’s scary to ask for help and trust people to help you. It’s hard facing the risk of not getting the help you need, or having your needs brushed aside, thinking you’ll find yourself forced to be independent again even after you’ve done the work to lower your ego and ask for help. But with the right person, it’s worth it.
At the ripe age of 28, I found myself listening to Taylor Swift’s So High School in the shower with butterflies in my tummy. I thought it was impossible to be flustered like this again. With all these baggage and traumas from losing my father and having my life fall apart, I thought I no longer had it in me. I thought I was just going to settle with “born a lovergirl, forced to be a cold, hard screw in the massive capitalism machine”. But here I am writing paragraphs-long love declarations, listing things I want to talk about next time we meet, asking difficult questions pretending we’re in an FGD. Before I knew it, I found myself effortlessly doing the things I thought was impossible: learning about relationship competence and building a relationship culture.
I thought relationship competence was about offering a life exciting enough to share, I thought I failed because my life was just about work and I didn’t have anything to offer. I thought I barely had any relationship competence because I didn’t have what it takes to solve problems — because of my reluctance to share my problems with the very person that matters. But as with any other aspect of a relationship, it takes two to tango (maybe three if you’re watching Challengers). But it turns out that everyone can have fun. Having fun is easy, it’s the easiest part, but not everyone has what it takes to constantly, actively troubleshoot and communicate to solve them. From my experience, relationship competence and relationship culture are two entirely separate things, people could have fun but struggle at solving problems, couples can have fun like friends and it can still feel like a healthy relationship. But seeing what it’s like to establish both feels so refreshingly thrilling.
From what I have experienced lately, relationship competence means having what it takes to constantly self-monitor, troubleshoot, and communicate what feels off. It’s trusting the other person enough to share your big feelings, knowing you wouldn’t be judged. It’s perpetual consideration, curiosity, and loyalty (even ones that is based on insecurity or self-sabotage). It’s doing the inner work so you can have emotional availability, it’s doing the inner work to stop being flakey. It’s the intention to persevere and not flee upon the slightest discomfort. Relationship competence is friendship on steroids, the friendship that ages like fine wine, it’s nurturing your own spiritual growth until it bleeds to your partner’s spiritual growth — like what Bell Hooks wrote in her book All About Love.
Relationship competence then becomes the solid ground necessary for building a relationship culture. With relationship competence, the fun multiplies. For example, the perpetual consideration means that he will weigh the effort you’re putting in, and match it — making sure you’re not the only person pulling strings. This leads to planning the next fun date because you planned the last one. Seeing how I planned a trip to the city library he planned a trip riding the domestic train, and seeing how I bring him to my favorite place, he brings me to his favorite place. Consideration means your energy is being mirrored, and the fun multiplies.
With his curiosity the conversation never gets boring, he will want to know about my family’s habits, what I think of real cats vs cartoon cats, where my trauma came from, and why I feel a certain way about things. This taught me to be more curious too — what book is he reading? What charms him in it? Where did his tendency to people-please come from? How was his experience with grief?
From the relationship competence we bring to the table, we build our relationship culture, our thing. Our thing is a 3-hour phone call whenever each of us finishes a film or a book, driving from Bandung Timur to our meeting place only to then drive me home and drive back 40+ km in total. Our thing is stealing a quick hug in front of my home before my mom walks out and greets him. Our thing is planning ridiculously effortful dates just for the plot. Our thing is nervously waiting for the other one to take a bite looking for approval when eating at a place that either one proposed. Our thing is self-monitoring and constantly monitoring each other to make sure that both are okay and having fun. It’s pulling the same book at the same time from the pile in front of us when I said it’s my most prized possession. It’s sending cute invitations to watch an upcoming film. Our thing is shyly admitting that I’ve been fantasizing about building a library with him and how we would have A LOT of doubled books, only for him to say “I’ve even thought about how we should put the books we both have side-by-side”.
However, the bitter pill I have to swallow is that this could only happen because we’re both obsessed with each other. So the reason that I failed the last time was not because the people in the relationship couldn’t cultivate a relationship culture or didn’t have relationship competence, but because we didn’t want to. If he wanted to, he would — and if she wanted to, she would. This time, we both wanted to, so all of this could happen. I want to go to psychotherapy twice a month, so I could bring more to the table. He wanted to make sure that I felt safe and taken care of, so he go the extra 10 miles. He wanted to know every little things about me, and the curiosity + intention made everything I said seem so interesting and new. So the key here is to find someone who really, really wants to be with you.
I thought I’m too old for this, but experiencing this at this age feels exhilarating. I’m allowed to take up space because he reserved space for me. He’s excited for me to meet his friends and family. My big feelings are precious for him just like how his big feelings are precious for me — sadness, and grief, and all — we’re excited to show each other what we’re capable of and incapable of because with each time, we find nurturing compassion in each other.
Being nurtured and showered with things that enrich my life, I fully bloom. I find myself living again, I find myself excited again about an upcoming film, buying film T-shirts, monitoring what film releases this week, reading books from my TBR pile, wanting to write a book myself. I look forward to weekends, I have the energy to hangout with my friends, I’m willing to be the friend they need the way I have the friend I need. I want to be the extension of his kindness and his joy. I want people I love to also feel the love I received from him, he showed me how to love small things and everyday people, I simply trace it to make a copy of it. I want everyone to what I feel, if not from a romantic partner then from me.
You know it’s right when fulfilling your needs feels not only natural but an integral part of his thinking process. You know it’s right when your friends cry happy tears when you tell them — also all teary eyed. You know it’s right when your traumas align and it feels like you share the same braincells. It’s telepathic, it’s cinematic, it’s ultra-modern supergraphic (he even loves Chappell Roan after I told him).
Also, the glow up is insane.
I hope you find the love that nurtures you.
