On my birthday a friend from work told me that he was getting his crush a watch for her birthday and he showed me a picture asking for my opinion. I said that reminds me of the watch I’ve been wanting to buy but I keep forgetting it. Surprisingly, he gifted me the watch the following day and made me cry happy tears. I exist.
My best friend who recently moved to Australia asked for my address, she said she was sending me a late birthday gift and apologized because she’s been very busy working in the field. I exist.
My best friend remembers that I’ve been looking forward to the new Korean film that just got released. She asked me to watch it with her on the weekend. I exist.
A new/old best friend went to Ethiopia for his first work trip abroad. He asked if I wanted anything, I said a postcard with his writing on it. A week later he said he couldn’t find a postcard because the surrounding area was in conflict. He showed up at the poetry night I regularly went to, 2 weeks later, with Ethiopian Indomie and a bottle of local fermented honey wine. I asked if he bought any for himself. He said no, just one for me, the suitcase didn’t fit. I secretly cried. I exist.
A high school friend asked if I was okay because I’d been whining about how busy I was. I jokingly said, “I’m good, just sing me a Mitski song with your guitar and pat my head while I cry for 3 hours.” He laughed and said “I’m kinda busy” only to send me a recording of him singing “No Surprises” at 2 am after he got home. He said he remembered that I skipped the song in his car because it was too sad. I exist.
Two of my friends sent me footage from Taylor Swift’s Eras Tour. Ayu said “The Archer” reminded her of my other best friend and me. They see right through, they see right through me. I see right through me. I see right through me.
The other one sent me a snippet of “Marjorie”, she said it reminded her of my grief and how unimaginably strong I am to her. She said she wouldn’t be able to handle it if she’s ever in my position. I should’ve asked you questions. I should’ve asked you how to be. Asked you to write it down for me.
Later on, she sent me “Tolerate It” because she remembered that I’d been asking friends for it. I wait by the door like I’m just a kid. Use my best colors for your portrait. Lay the table with the fancy shit, and watch you tolerate it.
I cried twice at the office thinking how they can remember me when Taylor Swift herself is literally in front of them. I exist. I exist.
I met an ex at a bar, drinking, laughing, and avoiding eye contact. By the end of the night, we waved at each other goodbye. I remember 7 years ago he wrote a poem about how he would see me in 10 years, with my hair slightly brown drinking whiskey and smoking at a bar. The night we finally meet again I recently dyed my hair brown, drinking whiskey. I exist.
I existed even before I knew that this version of me would exist. Back when I didn’t smoke, back when I didn’t even think that I’d find the charm in alcohol. Someone already had an idea that who I am today exists. Someone knew me enough to predict that I would be who I am today. Even the idea of someone thinking about me enough to have a future prediction that includes me in it baffles me. I exist, I exist, I exist.
A few days ago I found myself at the closest point I have ever been to an attempt to solidify the idea that I don’t exist in people’s minds. Luckily work kept me too busy to buy what I needed to do it, but it was all so vivid in my head, I knew what to do and how to do it. It would be painful but swift, like a nose piercing.
