I’m big like the space you refuse to give me,
so I take it by force.
First, I remove 75 kilograms of your weight from my life.
Bit by bit I fill it with sleepovers making Taylor Swift friendship bracelets until suhoor. Fill it with the first time an incel guy friend trust me enough to show me his conversations with his girlfriend. Fill it with big bowls of Dragon Hotpots that I finally get the chance to try. Fill it with eid hampers from friends who knows I like vegan meat. Fill it with the early 30s women at work who talks like the big sister I’ve always wanted, she teaches me how to be a best friend who can hold myself (and my friends) accountable, which good skin scent perfume to wear daily, and why being alone and liberated is the best thing a woman can do.
Fill every space that feels empty with whichever friend is available, and watch unexpected conversations unfolds. Cara lapor SPT dalam 10 menit dijamin nihil, how to confront your incompetent boss, where to take a Bumble date on a first date so it feels safe, and how to abort an unwanted 4-week-old fetus, “kodrat manusia tuh sesimpel jadi berkah buat sekitar”.
Fill it with new traditions; horror films to watch with friends on sleepovers, Indonesian films to watch with juniors at work, festival films to watch with girlfriends in Bandung, and I save the Japanese films and franchise films to watch with myself. There will always be an intention and a seat for me.
The next thing I know, I gained back all the weight I loss.
Now I’m big like the friend who always hears what I need to say when I cry. I’m big like the girlfriend who stalked my Twitter every morning to make sure I’m still alive.
I’m big like the incel friend’s commitment because he wants to make things right with his girlfriend. I’m big like the conversations I share with lonely people on the internet after seeing each other vent about how dating apps suck.
I’m big like Becky’s heart that unexpectedly bonds with mine over grief, she always hype up my small steps and tell me how she cherishes our conversations.
I’m big like the womanhood I share with the best girls I’ve ever met.
I’m big like the decade-old friendships who adopted me again even after everything I did.
I’m big like the people who share the same life shattered by grief and still standing up on both feet to support the family that’s left.
I’m big like the hands who hold me accountable but embrace me like I actually deserve to be hurt and sad because they know how strong I’ve been all this time.
I’m big like the spaces everyone gives me in their lives,
and that’s more than all I could ever ask for.
ps: it’s 30 minutes to pavpu and I don’t have nothing lol, now I have something to read 🥰
