If God is what His worshipper thinks of Him, then I will never get one particular thing that I want. I think He’s not doing a good enough job of holding people accountable.
I watch life roll out no matter what, cheaters live a long happy life with a fulfilling relationship, with a wife and a kid. Corrupt, fucked up people live their best lives with their 7th grandson being rich enough to go to a film school in Canada without any scholarship, and bosses who give their subordinates anxiety attacks still post about how they love their kids as if their subordinates aren’t someone’s kid. Is this some sort of a catch for having a God so forgiving, so full of grace and mercy? Does He expect me to be the extension of that grace and forgiveness? Is God the negative peace type? Are fairness and justice merely manmade ideas?
I’m not smart enough to talk about this, but I would like to believe that I can rest my head on the shoulder of a greater force that will hold people accountable if I can’t — be it out of my emotional incompetence or because of some capitalistic power relations. I would like to believe that karma is not some mythical creature only a remote native tribe somewhere on some island has ever seen, I hope karma is not some type of dragon or bigfoot, or some creature with fangs that sucks any random target bone-dry — without any hunting strategy or modus operandi.
On my best days, I assume positive things about karma. Maybe it’s a shapeshifter, that comes back to me in the form of an orange cat that walks up to me and rubs its head on my feet when I secretly cry in a public space, or as someone who worries about how I haven’t eaten any decent meal in 5 days because of GERD and understands that my highest form of love is sharing fruit. Maybe karma is a tiny body part, like a wishbone or an appendix hidden inside someone, acting up when they have everything they wished for and reminding them that they’re still themselves after all; an audacious cheater, a compulsive liar, an abusive narcissist, a neglectful parent. Maybe karma comes in the form of themselves that fucks up everything they love because, after all, they’re just their fucked up selves.
Are people who don’t believe in karma safe from it? Like tarot reading or fortune telling. If you don’t believe it then it’s not going to work on you. How easy it would be to keep yourself from being held accountable, you just don’t believe that you’re right all the time. But maybe that’s just how it works, the way you can only fix what’s wrong with you once you know there’s something wrong with you. Maybe karma is the inner work, the way it demands you to put in effort, pay for therapists, and dig into the throbbing infected wound to find a splinter — and if one isn’t willing to do so, they can just live happily and carelessly, unknowingly ruined people’s lives.
A friend of mine is a firm believer that being an asshole is fun and easy while being a good person raised in a good family is hellish the way you need to always take responsibility and do the work to hold yourself accountable. He needs to always be aware of his actions and consequences while other guys can fuck around and never find out. Are we doing this to ourselves?
Whatever the answer might be, whatever the cosmic truth hidden from my knowledge is, life must continue. Maybe I’m also someone who waits for my karma to kick in. Maybe karma is like grief, it will hit me on a random Tuesday right upon moonrise when the right song plays in the background.
I always wonder what was all of it for. What were all of my efforts for if not reciprocated or manifested into something that I seek? Maybe it’s for someone who would come and do the same for me, who would hold space for me, try to tolerate my mistakes, and show me that unwavering love exists. Someone who would take care of me — in sickness, stinky infected wounds, pitch week emotional unavailability, and all — the way I pushed myself to take care of the people that I love. Maybe my karma is the inability to be truly grateful, with soul sickness written in holy scriptures that would save me a spot in a specific layer of hell, maybe my karma is that I need to feel enough with this. Without caring whether karma shows up in the form of a dragon or a beautiful perfect wife for other people.
