胸がはち切れそうで”
I planned out the day perfectly. No work, just me in my black turtleneck and my freshly washed hair. I planned out my meal, brown rice and quinoa salad with Korean dressing, I wanted to eat like the grown-ups in my office do. I have been waiting for this day for months, I canceled it twice before because I was too busy feeding the bird and tuning the sound of my brown wooden ukulele.
It was sunny as ever, the tropical weather with the humid, dense monsoon air that could fall into droplets at any unpredicted time. It could be when you were just finished getting ready to head out, or when you just order your lunch. When you’re lucky, the rain will fall just as the perfect song starts.
Nervously, I wait for the phone call. No, it was not 10 am, I misread the schedule. “I can’t believe I took a day off for this, my coworkers might think this is too much and stupid. I could’ve helped them with the projects running, yet here I am taking naps and eating salads.” I can’t help but thinking how selfish I am, perhaps on the same level as some mom who cut the line to buy her son a plate of breakfast “because my son is going to school”.
If I could be anywhere right now I would crawl into Call Me By Your Name and live in that house just for today. I want the family to tell me about history and culture as I snack on peaches, eat pasta, smoking with my loose shirts and my shorts. I want to read Anais Nin with my feet dipped in Elio’s pool. I want to receive the phone call in the big, sunny living room and at the end of the day I would crawl out of the movie and continue with my working life.
I only have one hour. The hour that I’ve been waiting for for months. The hour I always dreamed of when I got nowhere to go from my thoughts, the only thing I can think about when I cry my lungs out on nights when no one knows it except for my next-door neighbor. Nights when I hold my sobs in. Nights when I long for this woman to pull me out of the shallow water and teach me how to breathe.
What if I forgot? What if I was wrong this whole time? What if I got scammed? What if I ended up crying for the whole hour and told her nothing instead? My head a lawnmower, my hands nonexistent, any type of music will make me cry now.
I have to set my strategy. What should I say first? Where do I go from there? Is the timeline right? Let me introduce her to the elephant first, will she come with the answer I’m looking for?
The phone rings.
I said hello with a smile. She asked me how I was doing, I said I like to walk outdoor, she said she’s glad I told her that. I started crying, she said it’s okay and she told me she didn’t have what I asked for. Disappointed, I continue with my story. Turns out the elephant is not what I think it is, it’s something completely different. Predictable.
Sobbing, I pick my words carefully hoping that she would understand. “My friends are a house key, a car key, a wallet, a pair of glasses, an access card, a watch, you can’t leave the house without them. I’m a half-eaten pack of bubblegum.” “I’m colorless like thin air.” She gave me homework. She said I have to befriend someone very important because my life is in her hands, I should talk to her every time I have the chance and listen to her, whatever she feels, however she is, I have to give her validations. I have to always tell her the good things that she is and help her heal because she has been treating herself the way the person who treated her badly always does for years. I thank her and she said she’ll be here next month if I need her again.
The cry gives me a fever.
I leave with no scars, guess this means that I’m okay the whole time.
I fell asleep and the fever is gone and it is now a Tuesday and I am doing my homework.
