There’s this question on the internet that scared me a few months ago: Who are you without your career? The question made me sign up for a gym membership, watch more films, and read more things as much as I could in my spare time.
And then another scary question pops up on the internet and freaks people out: What are your hobbies besides consuming media? I’m left with almost nothing. Maybe going to the gym now; I do it for fun. Or going to a monthly poetry open mic within walking distance from my kost. Or cooking with my mom.
After ending a 4-year-ish relationship, I feel like I lost sense of myself even worse. It’s gotten so bad that I have to ask my best friend, “What do I bring to your table?” I am forever grateful to be able to build such connections with my best friends that I can ask them such stupid questions. She answered, “The way you see things enriches my perspectives; you always have a different way of seeing things compared to me.” I thank her for her answer and try to ground myself (one of the efforts is by writing this).
I’ve been feeling deeply insecure and replaceable. What do I bring to the people around me now that I’ve been prioritizing myself and being a completely selfish person? I can’t remember the last time I put an effort into the people I cherish in my life; most of the time, I’m the one who asks them for things. Anyone can walk to the nearest coffee shop and find at least 15 people who dress the way I do, read the shits I read, and think the way I think.
Maybe this is my karma for being selfish, all I have is my fucked-up ugly armpits and mid physical appearance which may ask to be tolerated rather than make people happy most of the time. In a sea of amazing, beautiful people, I’m someone standing in a crowd, anxious-smoking because I don’t know what to do with my hands.
This is getting pathetic. Sorry.
I think it all started with that Barbie movie soundtrack by Billie Eilish. What was I made for? The song asked. It was a final gut punch for women whose lives always revolved around serving other people. I asked the same thing to myself, and I still couldn’t get an answer. Sure, I know what to do with my life; I want to understand and articulate; I want to help people articulate (by being their safe space and such), but aside from what I (assume I) was made for, who am I? I guess I finally get the gist of finding myself, something I deeply underestimated until now that I don’t have much in my life that can define me. When I’m no longer someone’s safe space, no longer a people-pleaser, no longer the ace of the team, no longer a cheerful friend, what is left in me?
I don’t have a lot of pictures of myself to look back on; I can’t remember what I looked like when I was 25. I take every personality test I find on Twitter (x??) but I still don’t know for sure who I am besides a jealous crazy bitch; I laugh at astrology stereotype memes (that always call me a sexy smart alien for having aquarius sun and aquarius moon), and I do tarot readings that are basically just paid curhat partners. I talk to shrinks every now and then, took an 8-month course on conflict resolution, and here I am still doing the wrong thing.
Everything feels like a dead end, and every night I’m doing a staring contest with the aching void from constantly losing battles. A tiny part of me is excited for what’s to come after what felt like an apocalypse of the world I’ve always known—the world I was living in for a decade. But for the most part, I feel like living in Phoebe Bridgers's I Know the End. There’s this inescapable sense of impending doom that haunts every waking moment like a bad haircut.
Maybe I’m being forced to be more spiritual (or religious?) and trust that after this, I'll get good karma for sticking around for the shitty parts. I’d like to believe that. But seeing how everything is just impossible mountain after impossible mountain, maybe I’m being forced to enjoy the view despite my lungs gasping for air. Maybe I can’t travel, but my heart and mind should keep exploring uncharted territories. I don’t know. All I know is I need to come up with a survival strategy soon.
